Spectrum: The final chapter

For those who have followed my little adventure with my cable / internet provider, here’s a “Previously on Chuck the Writer” recap.

On Sunday, my modem died. The modem was part of my cable and internet package with Spectrum. After going through all the various unplug and replug and reboot options, I was told that my modem was on its way to Glory and I should bring it in (and the router) for a replacement. Oh, and that the modem I had was not capable of providing me with the internet speeds I purchased back in November of 2020. In other words, I paid for 2 1/2 years of firehose and I’ve received drinking straw.

I couldn’t return the equipment on Sunday (Spectrum brick-and-mortar buildings were closed by the time Spectrum and I finished talking on the phone), so I went on Monday. The brick-and-mortar store could only provide me with a router, they had no modems in stock, and I didn’t have time to visit another location.

So on tonight’s episode …

It’s Tuesday evening and I’m driving through the hazy smoke towards another Spectrum brick-and-mortar outlet. I put my name into the computerized kiosk and saw I would be fourth in line for customer service.

4th in line in that location meant a FORTY-FIVE MINUTE wait for a customer service rep. But eventually I received my new modem and was on my way home.

Okay. Let’s plug in all this stuff. The yellow plug goes here, the red plug goes here, the blue light goes on … and …

Nothing. No connection.

Okay. Let’s try this again. Unplug. Replug. And …

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nuh-uh.

Okay … let’s call Spectrum. With my luck, I’ve probably received a modem that only workers bankers’ hours.

Found a Spectrum representative. Okay. They went on their computer system, and … well, Spectrum wants to know why I didn’t return my old modem and router when I received my new equipment, and that if I don’t return them right now, I’m going to pay the full price for both electronic devices – the old and the new.

No, I said, I returned the old equipment on Monday.

“The computer says you still have it in your possession. This will probably take two to three business days to correct itself.”

Oh, if I could get Verizon FIOS … if it was available in my neighborhood … I would sign up in a heartbeat. But then again, that’s dealing with Verizon, and that’s a whole different barrel of snakes.

It took about twenty minutes of pinging and twinging and rebooting and realigning, but finally … the internet is back up and running in the Miller household. And no, I don’t have to run to McDonald’s and use their free mcWi-Fi to get my blog post written.

So after this whole ordeal, I asked if there could be any compensation other than that miniscule $10 cable bill deduction that I received earlier this week.

“I can do something, let me talk to my superiors.”

Okay … here we go again. Fifteen minute wait. Tick tock.

Line opens up again. “Mr. Miller, I’m sorry, I can’t find my superiors at the moment, I think they’re on their lunch breaks.”

At 7:00 in the evening. Must be a union thing.

“I don’t want to keep you on hold. Let me call you back as soon as I speak with them. Is this number a good one to call you back on?”

Sure. I’m fine with that.

Okay. Now that I have internet service again … I need to reprogram my Apple TV and my cell phone and my laptop for the new network ID and password. And I need some dinner. And I want to work on some Albany Patroons statistics before their big playoff game this Friday against Newfoundland.

Hmm. No calls back.

May as well go to bed.

Woke up this morning. Checked my phone. No messages. No late night calls.

Yeah, Spectrum’s going to call me back. You know, one of those great promises in my personal life. Right up there with that great quote, “If abortion had been legal in 1963, you wouldn’t have been my problem.” Thanks, Dad.

Yeah. As far as Spectrum was concerned, they were done with me until it was time to get another monthly bill from my wallet.

Thanks, Spectrum. Thanks for three days of complete circle-jerkery and cluster-fuckery. Real cool and normal on your part.

Trust me. Do you know why New Jersey has toxic waste dumps and New York has Spectrum Cable?

New Jersey got to pick first.